Lonely

by theguy

This is a topic I don’t know how to start. You want to live and be free. But you can’t. You want to make new experiences, but you can’t. Or you don’t want to. Because you’re alone. And in life, many, many things, are meant to be done together. With someone you like. Some thing even with someone you love. But if you haven’t got neither of these peoples, you are facing a wall. You are standing there, thinking „what shall I do?“, and have no answer for it. Most of my free time is being spent sitting at home, in front of my computer, stalking Youtube, waiting for the day to go over. When I’m outside already, for example after work, I tend to walk through the city, do some shopping. But when on weekends and holidays, I don’t see any sense in taking a shower and changing my clothes just for myself. Why should I.  I talked about it with a few peoples, some of which trying to give me tips on how to improve my life and how to get more socialized. Some simply say „Well just do something! Change yourself!“, some say „Just ask a couple schoolmates to do something with you!“, some are like „Just get drunk in the park“, but none of these really help myself. I mean okay, I managed to hang out with a schoolmate of mine a couple times, he’s okay, he’s funny and it’s nice spending some time with him. But it’s nothing more than spending time. In general, all the people at school and work, I think their okay. I can talk with them, they accept me, and I accept them too. But there’s nobody under them that I could call a „friend“. Their‘ just „colleagues“. Nothing more. So the question arises: „How to make friends?“, „Where did other people get their friends from?“. And these questions turned out to be pretty hard to answer. Again, I talked about them with a few people. They’re like „Go into a bar“, „Get into a disco“, „Go to a prom“. It may sound easy. But damn those peoples simply don’t seem to know what it’s like to go to a public event alone. Did you go to a disco alone yet? What shall I do there? Stand around, talk to some girls, asking them if they want to be friends? No way. Some tend to say „You didn’t even try yet!“, but do you know how hard it is for me to do something like that? I guess I’ve got some kind of social anxiety or social phobia. I used to speak up to girls that I saw on the street. Turned out to be working pretty well. But these girls again where no girls that you could call „friends“. Even if they were nice when you first met them, most of them had „no time“ to date again. Maybe I’m not meant to have friends. Maybe I’ll get some friends later. But what’s „later“. I can’t live with „maybe later“, „wait what happens“. I want to live my life now. Now I’m a teenager. Now’s the time where I’m meant to have fun, and make experiences. Well, to finish this up: there’s one person I call a „friend“, a person I used to be friends with for a couple years now. And now I’m even afraid to loose this friendship. What is this life I experience about? Is it real?

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